life – Walking With Grace

Posted on September 3, 2025September 23, 2025 by graceutomo12 · 2 Comments

One Year of Driving!

Good afternoon, Blogging Family! Did you know it’s been just over a year since I began learning to drive again? This photo is a throwback from my first time behind the wheel at the end of August 2024. Life moves so quickly that it’s easy to lose sight of how God has been working, so I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how grateful I am for his restoring this part of my life.

For seven years, seizures made driving completely out of the question. Even after we realized God had healed my seizures, I needed to be “clean” for a year before I could move forward with getting my license back. To say I was nervous about handling a car without being able to feel my left hand, not to mention the visual-spatial deficits and fatigue that remain from my brain injury, was an understatement!

But God has been faithful, and one year later I’m able to drive relatively normally (including freeways), although parallel parking remains above my pay grade. 😉 We don’t have plans to get a second car since, as of my last physical, I’m still not at a place where I could sustain a traditional job. However, I’m grateful to have the option to drop Ivan off at work and run errands during the day.

If you’re new to the blog, or would like a refresher on our journey – I say “our” because it required a lot of help from Ivan to get me driving again – I’ve included a round-up of posts below:

“I Drove a Car!”: My first time behind the wheel, as well as a breakdown of the medical concerns about my driving after two strokes and a head injury.
“Driving Practice is Marriage Practice”: Snapshot of what “re-learning to drive” was like for Ivan and me, plus that time a wasp got stuck in the car while I was driving!
“A Licensed Driver!” The providential – and surprisingly convoluted – story of the day I got my license back.
“On the Road Again: Embracing Reality”: How learning to drive on the freeway has been a humbling process rather than an event.
“Reflections from a Shattered Mirror”: The story of my first driving incident (Ivan was very gracious!)

As always, thank you so much for your prayers and support!

Posted on February 6, 2025 by graceutomo12 · 1 Comment

On the Road Again: Embracing Reality

The first few minutes are flawless. Traffic flows seamlessly on either side of our white Hyundai. The sun dances playfully off the windshield. Then, in a millisecond, everything changes. Maniacal drivers whip past me at the speed of light. My pulse charges and my breathing shallows. Blood roars like an ocean in both ears.

“I can’t do this. I have to get out of here – right now!”

But there’s no exit from a vehicle hurtling down the highway at 65 mph. My life – our lives – are in my shaky, sweaty hands. One of which can’t feel the steering wheel. All I can do is force myself to keep breathing and pray that the panic passes quickly.

When Ivan and I started my driving journey a few months ago, we decided to focus on the essentials and delay freeway driving until I got my license. Looking back, this was the most efficient strategy given Ivan’s busy work schedule and limited amount of time to help me practice. But now that I’m a licensed driver again, we find ourselves caught in an unusual tension between “already” and “not yet.”

It’s amazing that I can drive at all. If you’d suggested my hopping in the driver’s seat this time last year, we would have written it off as inconceivable due to both my history of seizures and residual neurological deficits. Over the past year, God’s graciously removed the barriers that once made driving out of the question, but the skill remains more mentally and physically draining for me than the average person.

Although it’s not readily apparent to observers, neurocognitive testing has shown that my brain works about 60% harder to process input and produce output than a healthy brain. We’d previously discovered that driving to and from an activity added another layer of fatigue for which I needed to account. And, as I’ve experienced since venturing onto the freeway with Ivan in recent weeks, driving at high speeds seems to exacerbate that deficit. The good news is that, with patience and practice, we believe I’ll be able to adjust to this, just like I learned to steer the car without feeling my left hand and also increased my mental stamina by driving in town whenever possible.

In the meantime, this unanticipated challenge is presenting an opportunity to be thankful for what the Lord has already given, and to continue waiting on his timing. I’d imagined a seamless transition from getting my license to zipping across the Bay Area at will. Awkward conversations that begin, “Well, I do drive now, but I’m still not comfortable on freeways …could we choose a different location?” never crossed my mind. This is challenging me to be honest about my weakness, and trust that God will use this inconvenience in both my life and the lives of those I’d like to meet with, although it’s humbling to keep asking for accommodations after I’d anticipated being completely independent. On the flip side, this discomfort is also good motivation for Ivan and me to keep practicing freeway driving, in the hopes that one day I will be able to navigate safely on my own.

Re-learning to drive on the freeway as an adult is unusual, but the fear of being honest, or falling short in some other way, are struggles we all face. So is discovering that a much-anticipated blessing also contains hidden snags. While it’s easy to focus our energy on engineering our ideal outcome, the truth is that God sovereignly orchestrates the exact circumstances that are best for our good and his glory. Perhaps we would not depend on God as much if life were more comfortable. Perhaps there’s sin in our hearts he’s using difficult circumstances to reveal. Or perhaps he’s simply employing a season of testing or waiting to reveal himself in ways we could not experience otherwise.

For me, I’ve been convicted of my tendency to forget about past blessings (like being able to drive at all) and fixate on what I wish were different now. I’ve also noticed how often I worry what other people think of me and seek to justify myself. Finally, I see how much I need to grow in contentment and embrace the season God has me in currently. As much as God’s graciously given back over the past eighteen months, my body continues to function at a level that is different from most people’s. However, that shouldn’t be a reason for frustration. God can continue working in my life as he sees fit, but I want to trust that whatever he chooses to do will be the very best for my good and his glory.

Posted on November 12, 2024November 12, 2024 by graceutomo12 · 13 Comments

A Licensed Driver!

“Please – I just got my picture taken three minutes ago. Does that mean we can leave and my driver’s license will come in the mail?”

The DMV manager – no doubt frazzled by an onslaught of similar questions – shrugged.

“I don’t know what to tell you. Computers are down statewide. You could hang around to see if the system comes back up, or you could come back tomorrow and restart your application.” She spun on her heel abruptly to signal our conversation was over.

Her words threatened to extinguish my sputtering hopes like a bucket of ice water. My original road test – scheduled for October 14^th – had been canceled after I arrived due to an administrative mix up. At the time, we’d been told it would be several weeks before we could expect my case to be reviewed, or the test rescheduled.

But God intervened, and last Monday we received a nondescript envelope in the mail from the DMV. This puzzled me since we’d been told to expect a phone call to discuss my current medical status in greater detail. The envelope’s contents were even more puzzling: All it contained was a form letter stating I could renew my driver’s license at any DMV field office. This seemed like another administrative error since there was no mention of a road test; however, when I called the next morning to verify, the voice on the phone assured me that the letter was correct. My medical case had been been closed. We’ll never know what changed between the test being canceled on October 14^th and then waived last week, other than God wanted to teach us extra patience – and give me extra time practicing my driving skills. And I practice for tests very seriously!

In God’s good timing, Ivan was available to take me to the DMV last Wednesday afternoon. This is significant because Ivan’s work schedule has evolved a lot this semester. School technically ends at 3 pm, but between private piano students and administrative duties, he often works late or returns to school at night. Hence my dismay at the DMV manager’s suggestion that we restart my license application on a different day. It could be weeks before we had another open afternoon.

Oh Lord, I prayed. We’ve waited so long. First there was the road test cancellation, and then you intervened to take that off the table. A statewide system shut-down is nothing to you, Lord. Please, if there is some way, any way, please let us leave with my license today.

The manager told the disgruntled crowd that everyone waiting for driver’s licenses should go home and come back a different day. They’d keep processing car registrations, but licenses were over. I kept praying. The clerk who had been processing our application when the system crashed quietly told us not to leave. Ivan and I ambled back to the rows of blue plastic chairs and sat down dejectedly as half the crowd left and the other half selected fresh numbers and reformed a line.

“What do you think we’re waiting on?” I asked.

Ivan shrugged.

“She didn’t give us a number.”

“Maybe she’ll call us if the system comes back,” he replied.

We sat in silence as the clock ticked inexorably toward 5 pm. The car registration line moved quickly, but new driver’s-license walk-ins continued to be turned away.

Please, Lord, I prayed. All we need is one computer to come back. I realized God could have allowed this bizarre turn of events to teach Ivan and me even more patience, but it all seemed so strange. We hadn’t anticipated getting my license for several more weeks: why would the Lord surprise us with hope so unexpectedly, only to have things not work out at the last moment?

“Okay, let’s go check again.” Ivan’s voice interrupted my musings. I looked up at the clock. The office would close in a few minutes. We shuffled back to the station that had been processing our application.

“Still down,” the clerk shook her head and sighed. My heart plummeted. Then – “Hold on a sec.” She gestured for my paperwork and disappeared. Ivan and I exchanged confused glances. I no longer knew what I was praying for if the system was still down, but I kept praying. The woman’s absence felt even longer than the time we’d languished in the waiting area.

When she reappeared, she was holding a thin slip of paper.

“There was one computer still running in the back.” The clerk smiled faintly. “Here’s your license.” She passed the slip under the glass partition.

“Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much!” I beamed as I snatched my prize.

The lady couldn’t have imagined the all the feelings she triggered by double-checking: Seven years of relying on others anytime I needed to go anywhere, followed by the nerve-wracking process of reacclimating to the road, followed by a canceled road test and the uncertainty of when I could actually get my license. Perhaps, for her, checking was simply the “nice” thing to do. For me, it was the beginning of a whole new world.

Both Ivan and I are overwhelmed with gratitude to God for this new chapter in our journey. Our suspenseful DMV visit reminded us that my driving again has never been guaranteed, or even expected. It’s a gift, and one that God can give and take back at any time, whether or not it makes sense to us in the moment. We’re very grateful that in God’s love and mercy, he’s decided that my driving again will bring him glory. But that, like all the healing he’s done in my life, is an undeserved blessing. We pray he will help me to be a good steward of it for as long as he allows me to be on the road.

***

P.S. Here’s an in-depth post about some of the stroke and TBI deficits I still have to manage while driving, and here’s a more light-hearted post about what it was like to actually get reacclimatized to the road. Thanks so much for walking with us!