Posted on by graceutomo12 · 6 Comments

Create and Renew

Last month marked the two year anniversary of Walking with Grace. It’s amazing to reflect on all that God has done in the past two years. We’ve had the privilege of meeting so many people, and sharing how God has worked in our lives. I’ve started playing violin again, and we released our second book, Hello, God, in May. We’re hoping to hold another recital in person this January, so stay tuned!

It’s also crazy that Ivan and I are approaching 10 years of marriage this December. A decade seems like a long time, but given my accident and years of battling seizures, we both commented that we feel more like newlyweds! Much of this year has been focused on slowing down, taking stock of where we’re at in our relationship with the Lord and each other, how much we’ve learned, and more importantly how far we have yet to go.

That’s why I’ve been meditating on this verse from Psalm 51:

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

I think it’s an interesting contrast, especially for those of us who’ve been believers for a long time. Whether or not we’re repenting of grievous sin like David was, it’s interesting to consider why he pairs these requests.

He could have simply asked God to cleanse his heart, but asking God to “create” a clean heart sounds more like starting from scratch. However, in the next line, the word “renew” highlights that he’s not coming to God for the first time, or in our modern language “becoming a Christian.” 

Perhaps this paradox can be explained by the parallelisms that occur in Hebrew poetry, but I think it also captures the experience that many of us encounter when we run into a problem or sin that seems so overwhelming it can only be solved by God giving us a heart transplant. Yet that verse’s second half, “renew a steadfast spirit” acknowledges the reality that sometimes this happens even when we’ve been walking with him for a long time.

Ultimately, our hope for continued transformation does not lie in our own willpower. Although David was writing in the Old Testament, he pleads “take not your Holy Spirit from me” in verse 11. His experience of the Holy Spirit was different from ours. However, he knew that his ability to overcome sin was not due to his own strength, but God‘s enabling presence and power. This is even more true for us today after Jesus’ resurrection (John 14:16-24).

While I hope few of us hit lows as deep as David’s, I think the desire for a “new heart” is relatively common, and I love that God in his wisdom prompted David to pair the request to create a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit – two actions we might consider mutually exclusive – in the same verse.

For Ivan and me, we’re extremely grateful for all God has done in our lives, but we can also be tempted to feel like we should be further along relationally or spiritually. Meditating on David’s life and how he was called “the man after God’s own heart” although his trajectory was far from linear, and pondering how this single verse brings so much insight to the complexities of sanctification has been greatly encouraging. I hope it will encourage you as well! 

Posted on by graceutomo12 · 3 Comments

“Be Still and Know:” A Personal Confession

I took this photo on a recent walk…

Good morning, Blogging Family! Today I’m bringing you a confession as well as an encouragement. I’d planned to write a post inspired by Psalm 46: 

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation.  I will be honored throughout the world.”

Psalm 46:10

But the longer I agonized over my draft, the more I sensed that I was not being still. Or honoring God as God.

My intentions for writing were good. I began with a nice idea. I hoped it would encourage you all. I also thought it might complement the themes in our forthcoming devotional. But these goals were rooted in my human agenda. They didn’t come from a place of being in God’s presence and seeking his direction. 

And this sudden inability to write reminded me of two truths:

  1. “Be still” can also be translated “cease striving.” The past few months have been filled with highs, lows, and plenty of temptations to strive. We had an unexpected death on one side of the family, followed by a birth on the other. Writing my second book last year was a “mountaintop” spiritual experience, but its release this year has required trusting God with a timeline and process that is different from my own vision. Many of these events tempt me to believe that adjusting my own efforts in some way might have produced different results or could bring more peace about the current ones. But Psalm 46 opens with a hyperbole that counters that logic: “So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea” (v. 2).  The point is that no matter the scale of the chaos, genuine confidence comes from remembering who God is and believing what he says, rather than in trying to fix things ourselves.
  2. “Knowing” is a heart posture, first and foremost. I can mentally assent that God is God. I can talk – or write – about his sovereignty, goodness, and overarching purposes for trials. But if those beliefs aren’t inscribed on my heart, then my correct head knowledge won’t bear fruit in my life. Functionally, it won’t look like I know those things at all.   

So, how do we get to this place of genuine stillness and knowing? Maybe you’re like me and you realize there’s a gap between what we say we believe and what others might conclude we believed if they only observed our actions. I think humbly admitting this disconnect to God and others is the first step. 

I’d also invite you to join me in practicing stillness and meditation. Perhaps these are already robust aspects of your devotional life. If they’re new to you, here are some helpful ideas for getting started:

Stillness: During your Bible reading or prayer time, set aside a few minutes to sit in silence before the Lord. If you’ve never done this before, 2-5 minutes might be a good place to start. The idea is that while we may be comfortable talking to God, it’s less common to sit quietly in his presence and give space for him to respond. He may respond in a variety of ways, (e.g. by bringing to mind a verse or something from a song or sermon, or in some other way). The key is to be open to however God chooses to respond, and also to continue the practice even if it doesn’t play out the way you imagined. It’s the heart posture of sitting quietly before the Lord that matters the most, especially believing that God draws near to those who draw near to him (James 4:8).

Meditation: I love this article by Steve Midgley on the Puritan practice of meditation. There are many approaches and lengths of time you can use for meditation, but a simple start would involve finding a short passage of Scripture and reading it a few times, including one time out loud if possible. Then, use these readings as inspiration for praise, confession, and petition.  First, praise God for elements of his character and acts that you see manifested in the passage. Next, confess any ways you don’t see this passage reflected in your own life, or would like to see it reflected more. Finally, ask God for his empowering grace to manifest a greater belief in the elements of his character you’ve spent time praising, as well as help demonstrating obedience in any areas you may have been led to confess. This would also be the time to intercede for anyone that God has put on your heart as you read and prayed. 

Thank you for joining me in this post that turned out to be quite different from the one I’d planned! I also hope it’s a more accurate reflection of how God is currently working in my life. The practices of stillness and meditation have been crucial in my spiritual growth over the years. But if I’m honest, I’ve gotten caught up in so much striving that I need to return to the heart behind these practices.

I love this encouragement from James 1:25: “But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.”

Amen! Thank you as always for walking with me!

Posted on by graceutomo12

“Hello, God” Preview 3 of 5 – Psalm 138

Good Morning, Blogging Family! This video is inspired by a chapter from Hello, God that looks at one of my favorite psalms, 138, and shares how God has used that passage over the years to strengthen me when I felt like I couldn’t make it through another day. Stay tuned for an excerpt from Lord’s Prayer tomorrow!

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“During the years that I battled uncontrolled seizures, I also developed intractable migraines. Doctors hypothesized that each seizure would trigger a migraine as an after-effect. Since I rarely went a day without a seizure, I always had a migraine. Once it became clear that these conditions were linked and there was unlikely to be a pharmaceutical solution to either, my access to pain medication was restricted and I was told to endure the migraines naturally…

…God continued sending psalms to my rescue. David, with his deep brokenness and reckless dependence on God’s grace, has a signature tendency to offer God raw praise in the midst of unimaginable pain. (Try being accused of insanity [Psalm 34], or being hunted down by your own son [Psalm 3]!) For me, these raw praises were the most contagious because they gave me permission to flip-flop between praising God in one breath and crying out to Him from the depths of my soul in the next. 

Psalm 138 is a classic flip-flopping psalm. David opens with a raucous chorus, rejoicing in God’s faithfulness both to him personally (v. 3) and to the righteous in general (vv. 5-6). It’s easy to imagine him leading worship in the sanctuary, hands raised high in adoration. 

But, then, we hit verses 7-8 and discover that’s not the psalm’s setting at all. David’s not leading worship. He describes himself as “[walking] in the midst of troubles,” surrounded by angry enemies. How was he just able to write such a flattering portrayal of God only a few verses before? 

David can still praise God because he doesn’t believe God will leave him where he is. He takes hold of those characteristics that he mentioned at the beginning, characteristics God has demonstrated throughout his life and Israel’s history, characteristics such as faithfulness and lovingkindness.  He preaches those traits to himself.  If God is who David has known Him to be, and is eternal and unchanging, then David can trust that deliverance is on the way:

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
    you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
    and your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.”

            Psalm 138 reminded me of two truths on those mornings when I didn’t think I had it in me to make it through the next hour, much less the rest of the day:

 1) God, not I, would fulfill His plan for me that day. David could have put the unrealistic pressure on himself that he must somehow make sense of his trial and discover some higher purpose. But he doesn’t do that. He humbly admits that whatever spiritual growth or transformation is going to take place will be completely the Lord’s doing. 

2) Nothing I did or did not do that day could change God’s heart toward me. It’s tempting to think we can earn or lose brownie points in God’s Book of Suffering by how well we manage our pain, tend to our responsibilities, marshal what meager resources we have left, etc. But that only adds distress and sells the lie that our right standing with God depends on something other than Christ’s work on the cross. Remember there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! (Romans 8:1) Jesus has already lived the perfect life on our behalf and we can be completely at rest, dressed in His gorgeous, blood-bought robes of righteousness…”

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Shepherd Press is offering a discount on pre-orders of Hello, God, Seeking the Lord When Words Fall Short until 5/31. https://www.shepherdpress.com/products/hello-god/. Use code “HELLO” to get 25% off! 

Posted on by graceutomo12

“Hello, God” Preview 2 of 5 – Psalm 16

Good Morning, Blogging Family! Thanks so much for checking out these previews of Hello, God. This audio clip is inspired by a chapter that shares more about my own journey of re-learning how to pray, including an entry from my prayer journal. Stay tuned for Psalm 138 tomorrow!

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“A few weeks after my hospital discharge in January 2017, someone suggested using the Psalms as a template to improve my prayer life. The idea sounded vaguely familiar, but I don’t remember having tested it out before. Perhaps my previously high success rate against life’s previously humdrum obstacles had made heart-to-hearts with the God of the universe seem superfluous. 

Until God saw fit to remove both my cherished successes and my easily surmountable obstacles in the blink of an eye. Now my injured brain pinned me so far below the baseline of a “normal” prayer life that improvising off a psalm sounded like the stuff of theologians or Christian heavyweights from centuries past. 

So I didn’t. 

Instead, I looked for a psalm that represented my current spiritual or emotional state and read it to God, saying, “Lord, this is from me to You.” I did this day after day, for weeks on end. God kindly embraced my meagre offerings. He knew that my heart’s desire was to move from my rote “Thank you for this food,” or “Please help my legs to stop hurting” prayers to something more relational, even if my injured brain couldn’t figure out how to get there just yet. 

Psalm 16 is one of the earliest psalms I remember finding my own words for. I’ve included my own journal entry here as encouragement for you as you begin talking to God from your heart…

Lord, You are my only hope. When I’m afraid, I put my trust in You.

My self-righteousness is a capsized mole hill to Your Mount Everest. Your chosen ones are my most precious companions.

My sorrows balloon like a mushroom cloud when I’m stalking fairness, friendship, or intimacy at your expense. My jaws lock shut before I can sample the rancid sweetness of my stolen meat.

Yet my cup bubbles over with Your peerless, life-changing water. Oh, give me a taste for eternity! Teach me to delight myself in the hope of Your priceless inheritance.

Thank You for the still, small voice that whispers truth and love in the wee hours of the morning. Please help me surrender to this bit, this bridle that is turned by the God Who Sees. O loving Father, lock my wandering eyes on Your patient, faithful smile! Nothing can touch me with You at my side…”

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Shepherd Press is offering a discount on pre-orders of Hello, God, Seeking the Lord When Words Fall Short until 5/31. https://www.shepherdpress.com/products/hello-god/. Use code “HELLO” to get 25% off! 

Posted on by graceutomo12

“Hello, God” Preview 1 of 5 – Psalm 1

Hello, Blogging Family! Today is Day 1 of the 5-part social media series previewing Hello, God that I mentioned in my last post. The social media videos are quite short, so I wanted to share longer excerpts of the chapters that inspired the clips here as a special “thank you” for your prayers and support over the years. Stay tuned for Psalm 16 tomorrow!

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“So you’ve said, ‘Hello, God.’ What now? You probably noticed at a young age that a conversation requires two-way communication in order to be healthy. This kind of healthy conversation often takes place between people who know something about each other and are interested in learning more.

God knows the tiniest details about us, His creatures, but we can’t begin to comprehend a miniscule part of Him, our Creator.  1 Timothy 6:16 says God “alone has immortality, [He] dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see.”

Mercifully, God took the initiative to remedy this conversational inequality by speaking to us first. A lot. He’s given us sixty-six books’ worth of direct revelation, not counting dreams, visions, and miracles not preserved in the Bible.

How can we possibly respond to that? 

As our Creator, God knows our limitations and “remembers we are dust“(Psalm 103:14). He’s not expecting a sixty-six-book-long answer to His extravagant overtures…

That’s why the Psalms are so powerful. They are 150 Hebrew poems that depict people calling out to God in all kinds of situations. There are psalms of praise and psalms of grief, psalms that run to God in anxiety and others that beg deliverance from depression. We know these emotional expressions glorify God and submit to Him perfectly because they are included in His Holy Word!

The Psalms became a lifeline for me when I was relearning how to pray after my hospital discharge. The brain injury meant I could barely form a complete sentence in my head if I wasn’t speaking aloud—and forget about closing my eyes. I decided to choose a psalm and read it aloud, telling God it was my prayer as well as the psalmist’s. A few weeks later, I took to writing the psalm out in my own words. Soon someone gave me a prayer journal. 

About a year later, I tried praying “off the cuff.” It was weird. I felt like a heretic, shedding all my church-y lingo for weekday vocabulary, talking to God as if He were sitting right next to me on our oversized sleeper sofa. But Jesus has called us His friends. He wants us to talk to Him that way (John 15:13-15)…

 USE IT OR LOSE IT:

  1. Read through Psalm 1. What does it tell you about God? Yourself?
  2. Note anything that stood out to you for the first time, or struck you in a different way. Tell God what you noticed and how it’s affecting you (good or bad). 
  3. Pray through Psalm 1 or write it out in your own words. For example:

‘Dear God, I want to trust You when You tell me that I’ll only be truly happy when I’m spending time in Your Word and thinking about You throughout the day. I don’t want to be influenced by people who don’t obey You or who tempt me to run after worldly priorities. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and give me a love for Your Word and the things that please You…‘”

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Shepherd Press is offering a discount on pre-orders of Hello, God, Seeking the Lord When Words Fall Short until 5/31. https://www.shepherdpress.com/products/hello-god/. Use code “HELLO” to get 25% off!