“Do you have any regrets?” the woman asks. Ivan pauses, scratches the back of his neck.
“No. Not at all.”
I think he paused too long.
***
Seven years ago today Ivan asked me to be his wife. Did he make the right choice? Did I?
I’ve often thought if I could have seen the future, seen my accident and all it’s done to Ivan, I would have told him “no.” After all, the Bible tells us true love puts others above ourselves. I couldn’t knowingly sacrifice Ivan’s chance at a fulfilling, normal life just because I didn’t want to be alone.
Plus, there are the spectators. The whisperers asking if Ivan’s still happy, the experts claiming he’d be better off if he’d waited to propose. These voices foster my deepest fear: What if I shouldn’t have survived?
I’ve struggled with this toxic cycle for years, only admitting portions of it to Ivan and never revealing its full extent. But as I remember getting engaged seven years ago today, I’m beginning to understand why I’ve been imprisoned in doubt and self-loathing. 1 John 5:18-19 says:
“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows we have not fully experienced [God’s] perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.”
Instead of rejoicing that I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus, I’ve listened to people who look only at my earthly body, and therefore see me as a failure. And they’re right. My body isn’t as capable as most wives’. I might even have more sin problems than they do. But all of us have forgotten that my righteousness – and therefore my worth as an individual – is found in Christ alone.
So it’s not so much about whether I should or shouldn’t have married Ivan. God’s desire for both of us is that we continue growing in the knowledge and experience of his redemptive love until we lose all fear of his displeasure. As time passes, we’ll learn to love each other not just because it’s romantic, but because Christ loved us first.
For the record, I’m extremely grateful that in God’s sovereign will Ivan and I did get married, and enjoyed eleven months together before the accident.
Walking With Grace 
We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. But we live in the faith that He DOES have a plan for us. Your trials are harder than most (harder than mine). But you clearly understand love and so does your husband. That you sacrifice EVERY SINGLE DAY for each other is a testament to love, not a detriment. Thank you for sharing it here. Doing so, you share Christ.
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I don’t know that our trials are harder than most people’s…they’re just different, and often more visible. Thank you for your support and encouragement, and may bless you as you continue your own walk with him!
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A beautiful day to remember!!! Grace thank you for your honesty and I think it’s normal to have those thoughts but even better to let God’s thoughts replace them which you are doing by faith and our Lord will restore all things, all…some here and everything THERE.. I love you both so much. Happy anniversary of a special day for a very special couple!!! Love, Candace
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Thanks so much for your encouragement!
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Our sovereign Lord has brought you together.
He will keep you together 💕
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Great insight and understanding of who God is and who you are in HIM!!
Blessings abundant!!!
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You both have reflected such godly character through such difficulty. The depth of your faith and courage has encouraged many. God truly brought you two together and He holds you in the palm of His Hand.
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I must have missed this blog. I want to say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to you both even though it is late.. God knew all along what would happen to you and He brought you two together because of Ivan’s deep love for you. God knows our present and our future. He could see beyond the day of your accident and knew who you needed to be your husband. Don’t question His plan for your lives but continue to trust Him for your future.
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Thanks so much! 🙂
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