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A Passage to Indo Part II: Counting Down to Takeoff!

This is the best of several attempts to depict our flight path using ChatGPT. It has us taking off in Nevada and landing in the Indian Ocean 😉

Happy Wednesday, Blogging Family! We can’t believe that our long-awaited trip to Australia and Indonesia is just seven days away. As I shared in my first post in this series, although we’ve been blessed to travel internationally several times in recent years through VCS, our plan to visit Ivan’s family shortly after our wedding has been delayed almost a decade. This was originally due to my health and then subsequently to other factors like cost and Ivan’s travel schedule at work. We are so grateful to see God answering our prayers and opening doors to finally make our dream a reality after so much waiting!

One lesson we have learned – and I’m sure will continue learning – from our previous international trips is the importance of preparing our minds and hearts ahead of time. No matter how alluring the destination or exciting the itinerary, the truth is that jet lag, unexpected changes in plans, and (often) trying to navigate in a foreign language bring out our selfish tendencies and unreasonable expectations. Not to mention herding teenagers. We are blessed to be traveling without a group (for only the second time in a decade of marriage!), and at least one of us in a native speaker in both countries we’re visiting. What’s even more exciting is that this trip is purely relational, and has no work obligations.

Nevertheless, we’re both aware that although the circumstances surrounding our journey to Australia and Indo are different, the temptations we usually face will still be active. Since we bought our tickets a few months ago, we’ve been praying that God would help us to view this trip as an opportunity to seek to bless and encourage everyone we’re visiting. We’re praying that He would continue reminding us that this is an opportunity to serve His kingdom and is not a vacation meant to gratify our own desires, and guard us from disappointment if things don’t turn out exactly like we hope. One passage God has been bringing to mind recently is the opening to Colossians 3:

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.  For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

Col. 3:1-4

Setting my mind on earthly hopes is a giant temptation for me with this trip, given that we’ve been praying for an opportunity to take it for many years and don’t know if or when we’ll be able to do it again. I’m also praying that, in addition to helping us focus on Kingdom priorities, God will help us to view each other with extra grace and compassion, and believe the best about each other in difficult situations (1 Cor. 13:7). When things don’t go as planned, it’s tempting to blame the person closest to you, whether or not that is the loving, biblical response.

Thank you so much for your prayers and walking with us, and I look forward to sharing more when we get back!

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My First “Grown Up” Bible + How I Became a Christian

Happy Monday, Blogging Family! At this point, many of you know that my dad will be retiring from full-time ministry near the end of the year. Needless to say, this is a bittersweet transition for our family. It has already provided opportunities to reflect on how the Lord has provided for, sustained, and blessed my parents’ lives and ministry over the years. I’m sure we will continue grow in gratitude (and also sadness as their season of vocational ministry concludes) as Fall approaches. 

An unexpected blessing I’ve received during this time is rediscovering some “artifacts” my dad preserved in his office over the decades – and several cross- country moves. One of these was my first “grown up” Bible. Although I admit that I had forgotten about it in recent years, when Dad returned it to me last week, it brought back many childhood memories. 

As you can see from the picture, it’s a relatively standard NASB leather Bible. As an eight- or nine-year-old, I remember being very impressed with the “grown up” black leather Bibles my parents carried to church, and wishing I could have one that looked like theirs. This was before I became a Christian, so looking back I am also sure that I was most motivated by the appearance of carrying a “grown up” Bible and looking like an “obedient” child – especially to adults. Nevertheless, my parents must have paid attention to what I was asking, because my dad presented me with my very own “grown up” Bible, and also explained to me that the NASB was the “best” modern translation. As you might imagine, this really boosted my assumption that others would view me as “grown up” and “good.” I do remember being very proud of carrying my new Bible to church, but I don’t remember how often I read it if no one was watching. Looking back on this turn of events as an adult, I am grateful that my parents were willing to bless me with a real leather Bible at such a young age, especially since my dad would have still been in seminary!

Later that year, or possibly the next year, I remember hearing a sermon that helped me understand that no matter how hard I tried – or even succeeded – at appearing “good” to other people, God could see all the evil thoughts of my heart. This made my outward “obedience” like filthy rags in His sight. I was not a good little girl at all, no matter what kind of Bible I had. The only thing that could help me have a right relationship with Him was trusting that Jesus had died for my sin and conquered sin and death by rising again. This also included admitting that I sinned against God whether or not other people saw it, and asking God’s mercy and forgiveness. Since I was born into a Christian home, and my dad went to seminary when I was 5, I can’t remember a time when I could not recite the gospel. But for me, just like anyone else, “knowing” the gospel was not enough. I still needed the Holy Spirit to open my eyes in a specific, personal way to my own spiritual deadness, as well as the hope of salvation and eternal life that is available through Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection.

After that moment, the “grown up” Bible that I had originally wanted for appearance’s sake suddenly became intrinsically valuable. I remember wanting to spend time reading it, whether or not anyone saw me, and also wanting to go to church. Although I was still a relatively young child, the Holy Spirit had taken up residence in my heart and I understood these previously boring activities were ways to learn more about God.

In 2026 many of us are probably using the ESV or something similar rather than the NASB (this story takes place around the turn of the millennium 😊), but it’s a testimony to God’s Spirit working through His Word that in elementary school I wanted to spend time reading a translation that we now consider a bit unwieldy. As I’ve had time to flip through its pages over the past week, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find many passages in the New Testament circled and underlined and marked in a child’s handwriting as “favorite,” several of which I still often use in personal prayer or counseling. One of them is the Apostle Paul’s famous prayer:

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Phil. 1:9-11

I also remember being very excited when the ESV was released sometime during high school, and as I’ve had time to do a side-by-side this week I can see why many of us made the switch. However, I will always be so grateful for how God used my parents and my first “grown up” Bible to begin His good work in my life, and I’m so thankful to be reunited with it after many years. I also plan to continue using it as a physical reminder of God’s faithfulness, provision, and protection throughout all our lives.

Whatever season you may find yourself in, I pray that God will open your eyes to reminders of His faithful, shepherding hand, and His sure promise to work all things to produce His fruit in your life and shape you more and more into the image of His Son, which is always our ultimate good.

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CCAN Conference: The Wisdom of Abigail

Good afternoon, Blogging Family! Last weekend, I was grateful to be one of the guest speakers at a women’s conference in Pacheco, CA, co-hosted by Foothill Baptist Church and Christ Church of All Nations (Ivan’s parents’ church). It was such a privilege to collaborate with the other speakers and meet women from other churches and backgrounds. It was also a growing experience for me, since the two areas that I am most comfortable with are counseling and prayer ministry (both one-on-one settings). Although I do love to teach music and writing and we have been blessed to share our accident story quite a bit in larger contexts, this was the first time that I prepared a message and spoke on a topic that was not related to our accident.

God was very faithful, and throughout the process I discovered that a lot of the skills I’ve developed in both teaching writing and preparing for counseling sessions were similar to what I needed to prepare a conference session. The similarities were studying what the biblical text said, consulting other passages from Scripture that shed more light on it, looking for relevant commentaries, and prayerfully discerning my own thoughts about the passage. Perhaps most important was praying that the Lord would use the passage to minister to (and convict!) my own heart during the preparation process, and also praying for the hearts of everyone who would attend. My conclusion after going through this process (although I admit that I am still very new to it), is that there is not a huge difference between preparing for a conference talk and counseling, except that I would say delivering a conference talk currently feels more disorienting to me.

In counseling, I can dialogue with the other person and try my best to sense by their tone of voice, facial expressions and verbal responses how they might be processing what I am sharing, or if they would benefit from a different approach. While this does not necessarily guarantee that every session goes well, and it is only God who does the transformation in a person’s heart, it does frequently provide a real time gauge to help me discern if the direction I am going is actually beneficial or if I need to change courses.

In contrast, delivering a conference talk does not allow this kind of real-time feedback and requires much more faith that God is the One who will work through (and in spite of) me, and that ultimately He has promised His Word never returns void, no matter how little I may know about each person in the room or how imperfectly I may communicate.

This past Saturday, I was grateful to speak on the life of Abigail. Meditating on how she wisely responded to a very complex situation (a foolish and ungodly husband and a future king who was sinfully angry) convicted me about 1) how much I take my own healthy marriage for granted and 2) how much I struggle to live out her example of honoring Nabal’s and David’s God-given positions. Far too often, I use other people’s sin as an excuse to justify my own. In Abigail’s case, God rewarded her willingness to submit to the position rather than fixating on the person who was not living up to his position. Her humility brought conviction to David’s heart, saved the lives of her male servants, and, after her husband’s death, gained her what we can guess was likely a better life as David’s wife.

Abigail could have sought to preserve her own life by running away when her servants brought her the news of David’s impending wrath, and perhaps she might have succeeded. However, by doing this she would have become implicit in the murder of Nabal’s servants, at least some of whom were not as wicked as Nabal himself (vv.14-17). By seeking to dissuade David from his murderous design, Abigail identified herself with Nabal’s guilt in order to intercede for him. This put her in danger since she did not know how David would respond. As Nabal’s wife, she was also aware that he did not deserve this intervention and she would not receive any personal benefit, except the benefit of honoring the Lord and the husband He had sovereignly allowed into her life, and potentially saving some innocent lives if she succeeded. It’s also worth noting that God’s justice in punishing Nabal was much more accurate than David’s sinful anger would have been. By eliminating Nabal through an adverse health event (perhaps a heart attack or stroke), God only punished the person who needed punishing. He also simultaneously freed Abigail and Nabal’s servants from their oppressive situation. David, however, was planning to wipe out “every male” belonging to Nabal, which would have included at least some innocent servants.

I’d like to close with this New Testament admonition and encouragement. It’s how I ended my conference talk Saturday I think it encapsulates the story of Abigail, Nabal, and David – and God’s intervention in all their lives so perfectly, I also hope it can encourage you all with whatever you may be facing this week!

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.  So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Gal. 6:7-10

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Turning 33 + TBI Awareness Month

Last week I turned 33. One of the most obvious lessons from my accident that I remember every year was that we cannot take life for granted and only God knows what a day may hold. But this birthday was particularly significant because I was 23 when I was hit by the car. So it was even more impactful to consider both how much we’ve been through in the past ten years and how much God has restored. Psalm 103 is one of my favorite psalms:

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I think it’s significant that in addition to being my birth month, March is also TBI Awareness Month. Although God has done amazing healing in my life, He’s also allowed the brain injury to remain. As a counselor, I describe it as the “context” for many practical and relational issues we navigate in daily life. The good news is that there are now long stretches of time when we’re not acutely aware of the presence of TBI. However, when I increase my activity or encounter certain complex relational challenges, we hit seasons that require a lot of wisdom and skill to navigate in a way that is healthy for both of us. Re-learning to drive, periodically planning events for writing and music, and increasing my ministry capacity at church are examples of relatively recent situations that have reminded us of my underlying TBI and are still challenging us to grow toward God and each other.

I’d like to close with an excerpt from a joint blog post we wrote for my publisher, Shepherd Press, in honor of TBI Awareness Month:

Ivan: God has grown me in many ways over the last nine years. Just as He sovereignly introduced TBI into Grace’s life, He also added the role of caregiver into mine. I’ve seen how conflating the roles of “husband” and “caregiver” can cause confusion and even hurt. Through experience, Grace and I have  grown in seeking God’s wisdom to discern which aspects of our interactions have been affected by TBI, and which have not. Through this process, our desire has been to view each other more and more as God does, because He looks not at outward appearances but at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). TBI can distort certain daily interactions depending on the location and severity of the injury, but it cannot change that a person’s heart has already been filled with God’s Holy Spirit. Even in the middle of a TBI storm, God always holds His children’s hands securely in His. May He find childlike faith in each of our hearts as we walk with Him through TBI and beyond! 

Grace: Before my accident, I was incredibly performance-driven. On the positive side, this helped me to excel at music, academics, and work, but it also deeply affected the way I related to God and people. While I wish I could say this is no longer a struggle for me, I am very grateful for how the Lord has used TBI to strip away many worldly achievements on which I used to build my identity. My years of recovery taught me to cry out to Him in prayer and also depend on Him in daily life in a deeper way than I believe would have occurred if I had continued on my former trajectory. He has also used it to reveal the motivations of my heart, and is continuing to reveal people and pursuits that I am worshiping before Him. While He graciously blessed me with a much fuller recovery than was initially expected, my residual TBI deficits remind me that He is the only One Who is truly unlimited. He is jealous for the Spirit He has placed within me, and He is always faithful to draw near when I cry out to Him. He draws near based on His character and promises, not my performance (James 4:5-8).

Thank you for taking this brief journey with us! Whether or not you have been impacted by TBI, we pray our story will strengthen your faith and help you grow in your walk with the Lord!

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A Helping Hand

Hello Blogging Family! Thank you all so much for your prayers and concern! I’m finally back to normal typing, and wanted to share a personal “thank you” as well as my own thoughts on the past couple of weeks.

Although we continue to be extremely grateful for just how faithful and powerful the Lord has been to restore so much of my life, this incident has reminded me that I’ve started to take certain parts of recovery for granted. On the bright side, it’s also been a sweet demonstration of all the love and support we continue to receive from our online community whenever there is a health-related update! ❤

As I consider the progress that I may have begun to take for granted – or push a little too far – working in the kitchen is one of the first things that comes to mind. Every time I’ve told my version of this latest incident and started with, “Well, I was opening a can one-handed…” I’m struck by how unwise this sounds. Although I’ve been opening cans for several years now, I’m realizing that it’s God’s mercy and protection that I made it this long without an accident.

While Ivan does most of the truly dangerous kitchen work at our house, I admit that my limitations with my left hand tempt me to feel insecure when I consider what other wives do for their husbands. This often prompts me to test my limits to see if I could be doing more. Hence my one-handed can-opening career. But the past couple of weeks have reminded us that when my experiments go south, I need significantly more help from him than if I focused on doing what we know I can do safely and well.

On the subject of help. the past couple of weeks have been a sweet reminder of how much Ivan is willing to help and how much my guilt for asking him is self-imposed. On the drive home from the hospital he began peppering me with questions about everything I would need help with now that I was down my right hand – including getting dressed. While I nixed that particular suggestion, the heart behind it was truly precious, and continued to remind me of how Ivan has always been willing to do whatever needs to be done to care for me.

And I did find myself humbled the following morning when we embarked on our two weeks of wound care. Although I knew I would need some help given that I had relatively incapacitated my dominant hand, after everything I’ve been through I pride myself on being rather tough and low maintenance. I laid everything out and read all the instructions, only to be hit by a wave of nausea when we removed the bandage. Maybe it’s been too many years since our last significant incident, or maybe there was something different about this cut (Ivan spared the gory details in his post), but I found myself unable to do anything except look away and pray while he did all the wound care. So this too was a poignant reminder, not just of Ivan’s willingness to help, but also of the Lord’s faithfulness and enabling power in all the trials we’ve been through in the past. I am more aware than ever that the grit I used to think was part of my personality is really an enabling grace God can give and remove as He sees fit. I’m very grateful for when He does choose to give it. When He does not, this causes me to depend on Him more closely and also be more grateful for the help I receive from others.

I’d like to close with Psalm 46, which my discipleship group recently memorized. The application question the week before my can-opener incident was “How are you going to apply this psalm to daily life?” At the time I’d talked about using it as a framework to pray for others and also praise God’s sovereignty over all our lives. I couldn’t imagine this application would get VERY real just a week later. In the ER, I was desperately looking for something to which I could fix my attention when it was time to get the stitches put in. Reciting the psalm in my mind and rehearsing the Lord’s presence and power transformed what would have been an otherwise extremely disconcerting few minutes for me. Hopefully this can also be an encouragement to all of you who have a practice of memorizing Scripture, or are considering starting this journey!

God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
 Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
 though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
 The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

 Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the chariots with fire.
 “Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
 The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Posted on by ivanutomo

24 Days of Hope: Mary’s Song of Praise

This painting of Mary visiting Elizabeth is called “The Visitation,” and is by the Renaissance master Raphael.

This past Sunday I had the opportunity to lead our prayer team’s pre-service prayer and devotion, and the Bible passage that came to mind was Mary’s prayer recorded in Luke 1:46-55, commonly known as the Magnificat (which is the first word of the Latin translation of this prayer). Although I had read this passage before, it struck me anew how beautiful and powerful this prayer is, and how brightly it shines the light of the good news of Christmas.

After receiving news from the angel Gabriel that she would bear the Son of God, Mary visited her cousin Elizabeth, who was herself pregnant with John the Baptist. When Elizabeth said to her, “Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord,” Mary responded by praising and worshiping God:

My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.

Luke 1:46-49

What incredible faith and humility her prayer shows! Mary gave all the glory to God, recognizing His power and holiness, and her need for and dependence on Him. Mary understood that God sent His Son to be the Savior of the world, indeed, her savior and ours. She lived out of a knowledge of her proper standing before the Lord: that is, she was his servant (the Greek word can also be translated “bondservant”). She saw rightly that the source of all true blessing is God Himself, not anything generated from herself, her abilities, or her circumstances.

Do I live this way? Do I see the extent of my need for God? Do I profess to rely on Him, but operate out of self-reliance and pride? Do I, like Mary, and Paul, James, and others heroes of the faith, refer to myself as a servant of the Lord, or instead do I attempt to live as if I am master of my own fate?

The beauty of the Christmas message is that the righteous, almighty, gracious God of the universe has demonstrated His love for us, His creation, by sending His Son Jesus Christ to bring light and life into our broken world, into our broken lives. He brings redemption and restoration. Mary understood this, and rejoiced; may we join her in wholeheartedly worshiping our Lord.

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Global Reflections after Reformation Sunday

This is a statue from Melk Abbey in Austria.

Hello, Blogging Family! I hope you had a blessed Reformation Sunday yesterday. This holiday has impacted me differently after our trip to Central Europe this summer. I’ve always been a voracious student of history, art, and music, and was excited to visit some of the countries that were crucial to classical music, the World Wars, and church history. I realized that Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, and Czechia are either Catholic or secular today, but I also knew that some of them had either been instrumental in the original spread of Christianity across Europe or the Protestant Reformation. They are still home to some of Europe’s oldest and most beautiful cathedrals. But I wasn’t prepared for the spiritual landscape we encountered during our trip.

We were blessed to tour cathedrals in each country, as well as Melk Abbey in Austria. Melk is a Benedictine monastery that was founded in 1089 and is famous for its ancient library as well as the dignitaries that have visited (including Mozart, Napoleon, and Empress Maria Theresa). The art and architecture in all these locations exceeded my expectations, and at Melk I especially loved seeing some medieval manuscripts I’d studied in facsimile during grad school at SCAD! 

But I was also deeply saddened as I pondered the Jesus portrayed by this art, and imagined how different my life would be if this were the only Jesus I knew. Everywhere we went, the representations of Christ we saw were effeminate and dead. He was typically either nailed to a cross, or being tended by his mother or saints after his death. While it’s essential to spend time remembering how much Jesus suffered for our sins, our hope of eternal life comes from the truth that he is a risen, powerful Savior who conquered death and is alive and working today (1 Cor. 15:12-28).

This focus on death wasn’t just limited to Jesus. At each cathedral, we were greeted by a list of saints’ relics that were either available for regular viewing or on “special occasions.” These ranged from finger bones and scraps of clothing, to a martyr’s tooth and jawbone that had been encased in jewels. When I asked our guides what they thought about the churches and relics they were representing, their answers were insightful. Some responded, “This is the church I was baptized and married in!” although whether they still attended was less forthcoming. Others highlighted that relics do not fare well when subjected to DNA testing. 

But one theme was universal: whatever the guides’ personal feelings about their churches, everyone agreed that the Protestant reformation was an inconvenient blip that had been decisively addressed by the Counter-Reformation hundreds of years ago.

I’ve had several months to reflect on this emphasis on death and the impact it seems to have had on the countries we visited, as well as do more research to compare data with the spiritual climate we sensed. For example, the Austrian embassy reports 3.8% of the population to be Protestant/evangelical, but most missions agencies believe this number is closer to 0.5%. Few Austrians actually attend the Catholic churches into which they were baptized. In recent years, New Age practices have begun gaining popularity with those searching for some form of spirituality. 

I think there are many factors at work here, but one of them could be that we are highly influenced by the images we absorb as children. If we only see Jesus portrayed as dead and powerless, and are taught instead to seek the intercession of dead saints and professional clergy, to whom we also have limited access, what immediate or eternal hope does this offer? Deep down all of us know we will never be good enough to earn God’s favor, and how much confidence can we really put in humans who left this earth centuries before us?

As protestants in the United States, it’s easy to dismiss Reformation Sunday as the anniversary of a German monk nailing a theological treatise to the door of a church on the other side of the world. But visiting these cathedrals in Central Europe and witnessing the functional outworking of the Counter-Reformation has reminded me that Reformation Sunday represents so much more than just that. It represents returning to an understanding that we come to God through faith alone in a living, powerful, resurrected Savior, who made a way for us to speak directly with God in prayer without human intermediaries. It represents the freedom – indeed the responsibility – to read God’s Word for ourselves instead of relying on “professional Christians” like priests to tell us what God says about himself. And through these reformations of speaking to and hearing from God ourselves, Reformation Sunday represents a renewed understanding that God is not only immediately accessible, but he wants to hear from us and speak to us, each and every day.

I hope these reflections will remind you of privileges that, if you’re like me and grew up in a protestant church, we can often take for granted. I also hope that if countries like Austria, Czechia, Slovakia, and Hungary haven’t been on your prayer radar until now, you will join me in praying that God will pave the way for his gospel to gain more and more traction in these countries. He may even have a role for you or me to play!

Posted on by graceutomo12 · 6 Comments

Create and Renew

Last month marked the two year anniversary of Walking with Grace. It’s amazing to reflect on all that God has done in the past two years. We’ve had the privilege of meeting so many people, and sharing how God has worked in our lives. I’ve started playing violin again, and we released our second book, Hello, God, in May. We’re hoping to hold another recital in person this January, so stay tuned!

It’s also crazy that Ivan and I are approaching 10 years of marriage this December. A decade seems like a long time, but given my accident and years of battling seizures, we both commented that we feel more like newlyweds! Much of this year has been focused on slowing down, taking stock of where we’re at in our relationship with the Lord and each other, how much we’ve learned, and more importantly how far we have yet to go.

That’s why I’ve been meditating on this verse from Psalm 51:

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

I think it’s an interesting contrast, especially for those of us who’ve been believers for a long time. Whether or not we’re repenting of grievous sin like David was, it’s interesting to consider why he pairs these requests.

He could have simply asked God to cleanse his heart, but asking God to “create” a clean heart sounds more like starting from scratch. However, in the next line, the word “renew” highlights that he’s not coming to God for the first time, or in our modern language “becoming a Christian.” 

Perhaps this paradox can be explained by the parallelisms that occur in Hebrew poetry, but I think it also captures the experience that many of us encounter when we run into a problem or sin that seems so overwhelming it can only be solved by God giving us a heart transplant. Yet that verse’s second half, “renew a steadfast spirit” acknowledges the reality that sometimes this happens even when we’ve been walking with him for a long time.

Ultimately, our hope for continued transformation does not lie in our own willpower. Although David was writing in the Old Testament, he pleads “take not your Holy Spirit from me” in verse 11. His experience of the Holy Spirit was different from ours. However, he knew that his ability to overcome sin was not due to his own strength, but God‘s enabling presence and power. This is even more true for us today after Jesus’ resurrection (John 14:16-24).

While I hope few of us hit lows as deep as David’s, I think the desire for a “new heart” is relatively common, and I love that God in his wisdom prompted David to pair the request to create a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit – two actions we might consider mutually exclusive – in the same verse.

For Ivan and me, we’re extremely grateful for all God has done in our lives, but we can also be tempted to feel like we should be further along relationally or spiritually. Meditating on David’s life and how he was called “the man after God’s own heart” although his trajectory was far from linear, and pondering how this single verse brings so much insight to the complexities of sanctification has been greatly encouraging. I hope it will encourage you as well! 

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Seeing God: Lessons from Matt Redman

One of my favorite names for God is El-roi, or  â€œthe God who sees me.” (Gen. 16:13). This name for God, and the story of God dealing tenderly and patiently with Hagar, a woman who was a foreigner, slave, and surrogate mother, has become increasingly precious to me since my accident. God uses a variety of ways to show us that he sees us, including the compassion of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Last week was a sweet reminder of what it was like to feel seen in the early days of my recovery, and also an opportunity to watch that gift be passed on to the next generation. 

Last Monday, we took some worship team students from Valley Christian down to BIOLA to spend a couple of days observing chapels and audit a songwriting workshop taught by Matt Redman. This trip was especially meaningful because Ivan taught the three Redman boys piano when we lived in Southern California. Most parents keep their relationship with their children’s music teacher strictly professional, so we were really surprised the Redmans took an interest in how we were doing after my accident – especially since I’d never met them when it happened. Once I got a little stronger, they even let me come along to lessons to have a change of scene. This was incredibly thoughtful, since public spaces were still too crowded and noisy for my brain injury to tolerate, which meant I stayed in our apartment most of the time. 

I was incredibly nervous the first time Ivan brought me to a lesson. I was clutching two books and a journal, determined to vanish into a shadowy corner as soon as I got through the door. The Redman’s house was devoid of shadowy corners. Furthermore, I was not the piano teacher’s recovering tagalong, but someone they actually wanted to see. Matt’s wife, Beth, sat  and talked with me quietly in the living room for as long as I could tolerate, while also being sensitive to what Ivan must have mentioned about my struggles with fatigue and overstimulation. On the drive home, both Ivan and I were taken aback by this turn of events. However, after a few days of bewilderment I decided they were just being hospitable and I shouldn’t push my luck. The following Saturday I fortified myself with books and journal – and we repeated the entire ritual. 

After a few weeks I finally embraced that the Redmans weren’t viewing me as a charity project, or even trying to maintain some sort of public image. They were doing what they did because they loved God, and I loved God, and that commonality was far stronger than all our differences. Beth’s choice to give up a large chunk of her Saturday mornings gave me something to look forward to every week and provided a huge source of spiritual encouragement, as well as a rare opportunity to feel seen as a normal human being in spite of all the medical appointments that kept us scrambling Monday-Friday. 

Last week, as we were sitting in the songwriting clinic with our wide-eyed high schoolers and a handful of BIOLA undergrads, I was deeply encouraged to hear Matt share that his primary calling was not to help people sing better, but to help people see God better. God is a self-revealing God, he shared, and no matter what our vocation is, our calling is to live in such a way that people can see God’s character in what we do. For Matt, that means writing songs that reflect biblical truths and also give space for congregations to respond to those truths. I happen to be a writer, so my application is similar, although I don’t have to worry about whether my words work with a melody. But for all of us, I think the principle of helping people see God through our lives stems from one of my favorite verses, 1 John 4:19. “We love because he first loved us.” God saw us first and loved us first, and is always forever seeing and loving us through the death and resurrection of his Son, Jesus.  And if we are saved, it is our gratitude for this supernatural seeing and loving, and our reliance on his Spirit, that empowers us to deeply see and deeply love those around us.

Posted on by graceutomo12 · 3 Comments

Mourning a Brother and Image-Bearer

Good morning, Blogging Family! I rarely write about politics, but today is a heavy day as we mourn the violent and untimely death of someone who represented free speech and the good news of Jesus Christ. 

It’s easy to look at Charlie Kirk’s death and turn it into a parable about the state of our nation or a platform for reinforcing our own political views. But I want to pause and contemplate what it means for any life to be snuffed out. We are all made in the image of God, whether or not we surrender our lives to Jesus, and therefore it grieves God deeply when that image is violated or destroyed (Gen. 9:6). God also places us all in families, giving us unique roles that only we can play. Our absence, whether physical or emotional, creates a vacuum that cannot be downplayed. So when I consider yesterday’s loss, although it has significant implications for our country, I’m most impressed by how grieved the Lord is over what has transpired. And secondarily, by how much we should be mourning for Charlie’s precious wife and children.

But there is also hope. Charlie Kirk was not just a political figure. He was also a brother in Christ who understood that true transformation is not possible apart from a worldview rooted in the gospel. (If you’re curious about his Christian witness, check out this video on atheism and morality and this video on the gender controversy). I admired him because he could have difficult conversations on politically-charged topics while modeling 1 Peter 3:15:

“Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it.”

And it is this Christian testimony that gives hope as we pray for Charlie’s family. While I believe we should grieve him as a human being, father, and brother in Christ first and foremost, I believe that our shared kinship in Christ means that his loss, while irreplaceable, is one illumined by redemption. Charlie ran the race well and is rejoicing before the face of his Father and Redeemer, finally received into that great cloud of witnesses that was cheering for him during his time on earth. And the God he is worshiping this very moment has also revealed Himself to us as “our merciful Father and the source of all comfort” (2 Cor. 1:3).  He is near to the brokenhearted and carries them in His arms every day (Psalm 34:18; 68:19). While no one will ever be able to replace who Charlie was to his family, we can trust that the Lord will be faithful to keep His promise to comfort, carry, and heal them day by day.

No matter where you fall on the political spectrum, I hope that today can be a day of remembering the shared preciousness of human life and the image of God that we all bear, no matter our background. I hope it will also be a time of remembering the unity that is found in Christ, as well as the hope that this offers when we’re confronted with tragedy. Finally, I hope that Charlie’s example will encourage us to be more bold in sharing the good news of Jesus Christ kindly and unapologetically in the contexts in which God has placed us.

“No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.” ~ Matt. 5:15