Walking With Grace

Grace: “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) We’ve only been up here in lovely San Jose for about 18 days, but we’re excited – and surprised! – to announce that we’ve already found a new place to call home. Originally, the plan as I knew it was to move up and stay with my parents for at least the summer, giving us time to rest from the initial move, get established with Kaiser, get to to know the area, and do a thorough apartment hunt before Ivan starts working full-time in August. It seemed like a great plan on our end, and we were thankful that the offer to stay with my parents took away the pressure to “hit the ground running” as soon as we arrived. Also, my parents had warned us that the housing market was pretty competitive and fast-paced, so our expectations of being quick enough to spot and nab the right place on the first try were fairly low.

But once we arrived,  Ivan (who has learned throughout these last 6 months that “success” most often does involve a running start) started browsing some listings online anyway, just to get a feel for what was out there. That first night, he spotted a first-floor unit in a new complex….a complex that was literally a block away from my parents’ condo and about 5 minutes away from Kaiser. This seemed beyond too good to be true, so he put it on hold, and he and my mom went to look at it the next day. By the end of that day, he had signed a lease, and we were some surprised but grateful new apartment renters!

This past week we’ve been slowly unpacking boxes and getting our things settled, in addition to keeping up with Kaiser. Correction – Ivan has been doing most of the unpacking, and I’ve been “supervising” and managing the Pandora playlists. And admiring his unpacking and assembly skills. Since Valley Christian will be sending Ivan to a music symposium in Indiana for a week starting June 25th, our plan is to finish getting everything ready at the new place before he leaves but stay settled with my parents until his return, then officially start living there July 2nd.

This was definitely not our vision of how June would turn out, but God’s way has proved so much more generous and abounding than anything we would have thought to hope for. It’s moments like these that remind me to be thankful that He – not me, or Ivan, or anyone else – is the One who’s actually deciding what each day will bring.

Ivan: Amen to that! 🙂

Trying vs. succeeding. I think those two words pretty much encapsulate the story of most people’s lives – and also highlight how God has been changing my life radically in the past 6 months. For whatever reason, up until last year,  God allowed my life to be generally made up of successes. Not totally of course, but without doubt more than I could have hoped for. To recap briefly, at the end of high school I got into the music conservatory I wanted with the scholarship we needed to make it work… and when God showed me that a performing career wasn’t where I’d be most free to follow Him, He provided another scholarship at a Christian school where I could live at home. The rest of college went great, and in spite of transferring in sophomore year and changing my major, I graduated on time (with a job lined up)…and got to marry my best friend 7 months later. It would be hard to make up that amount of trying, all followed by positive outcomes, even in my most ambitious  imagination!

And then December happened. Now my life is about trying always – and succeeding sometimes. Re-learning talking, eating, and walking came after lots and lots of trying (and praying!), but they did come. Success.  There’s been an equal (if not greater) amount of therapy, trying, and praying spent on waking up the nerves in my left hand, but that seems unlikely to happen now. Trying. Visiting with a friend at home or going out to a new place takes lots of mental trying and exertion.  Sometimes my brain cooperates and things go well (success), but unfortunately sometimes that doesn’t  happen – in spite of the trying involved. Ivan and the rest of my family do a great job trying to help me mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I couldn’t ask for any greater effort…but even that sometimes yields mixed results.

The point of all of this struck me again recently with greater impact – and hopefully it can encourage some of you too. A life – any life – can’t be measured by just the number of successes. I’m trying as hard at living as I ever have (honestly, probably harder than I ever have!) but the outcome – that is, the success of my trying –  is out of my hands in a lot of ways. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. I think God is showing me that, because of Christ, He measures me not by my success, but simply by having a heart that tries.

After all, isn’t that why Jesus came? He succeeded on my behalf because He knew that even my best attempt to reach Him couldn’t come close to His perfect measure. He died so that His life would cover my tries with His successes. And what about the hearts (mine included, sometimes) that don’t even try to be close to His? By His grace, His Spirit can intervene and succeed for them, and transform them into hearts that try too. The gospel makes trying and growing – sometimes even apart from succeeding – the only measure now.

Up until last week a giant question haunting both of us was: how difficult will it be to transition from Kaiser SoCal to Kaiser NorCal?? We were nervous because, unlike what we’d imagined, the two Kaiser systems are actually not connected for practical purposes – even though it’s the same state! So, in layman’s terms that means we had to start over with a new primary doctor, new prescriptions, new therapy referrals, and (crucial in my case) new specialist referrals. And anyone who’s participated in a large healthcare entity (definitely including ourselves) can attest to how easy it is to get lost in the bureaucratic side of things. So basically – we were nervous.

But I love happy endings…hopefully y’all do too! Contrary to our expectations, I got assigned a new doctor – and saw her! – by the third day after we arrived. She was incredibly understanding and proactive, started all my referrals, and agreed to finish up some paperwork pending from Riverside. And guess what? We got into neurology the morning after her referral! (In case y’all don’t remember, I couldn’t even get a neurology appointment in SoCal after I was hospitalized for the TIA at the beginning of May. So giant difference in service there!)

And it gets even better…our new neurologist was also super proactive, and ordered an additional CT angiogram for my carotid artery, since he felt like the previous scans were not as comprehensive as possible, and didn’t rule out the possibility of an additional new clot. This artery has been dissected since the accident, which was what caused my two strokes and possibly the TIA. We’ve learned that this type of dissection isn’t surgically reparable, so now the important goal is to monitor it regularly and find a medication plan that’s consistently effective.  But I’m super thankful for a new doctor who wanted to go above and beyond the standard scans just to be safe!

And so, yesterday morning, we got up bright snd early and headed over to Kaiser to prep for the CT angiogram. Besides the fact that no one really wants to start their Monday with an IV of iodine (doesn’t really hurt, but makes all your veins feel weirdly hot), the scan went well, took less time than we expected, and we even got the results from the doctor by yesterday afternoon! Praise God, there were no new blockages in the artery. Although it’s still dissected (it’s been at functioning at 50% since December), we can keep my current medication plan and move forward with a follow up in a couple of months.

Tomorrow we get to meet my new physical and occupational therapists, but after all the excellent treatment we’ve gotten in the past week, I’m not nervous at all – just excited. We’ve seen the hand of God in so many dimensions of our move to San Jose, and our new Kaiser experiences have been no exception. Thank you to everyone who’s been praying for this aspect of our new start. God truly answers prayers for all the details of life – big and small – and we’re so thankful for another burden that He’s chosen to remove by His amazing grace.

Ivan: This afternoon brought yet another blessing to thank God for…I am extremely grateful and excited to announce that I have accepted a position as Conservatory Teacher at Valley Christian Schools! 🙂 Only God could have opened the door for such a wonderful opportunity, and I am eagerly anticipating the beginning of the school year in August. A few months ago, when we realized that Grace would not be able to return to work, we started to pray that God would provide a full-time job for me, as my multiple part-time jobs would not provide the medical insurance we needed. Thus began an extensive job search, in which I pursued both musical and non-musical jobs. The fact that God has granted a job in my field, after the completion of my master’s degree, and furthermore in a Christ-honoring environment, is such an incredible blessing!

Tomorrow marks exactly six months since the accident, and it is somewhat mind-boggling to look back and reflect on just how far God has brought us. He is truly the God of the valley and the mountain, the ever-present help in time of trouble and the joy of our salvation. There is always so much to thank and praise Him for. Our journey is far from over, but we are thanking God for the opportunity to keep focusing on His faithful provision as we continue moving forward! Thank you all as always for continuing to walk with us 🙂

Grace: One of the less-published aspects of our journey over the past 6 months has been the ever-present job search. It became clear at the beginning of February that we had transitioned from a dual-income to single-income home, and we began fervently praying (and on Ivan’s end searching) for an opportunity that would meet our new needs – needs that now included rather specialized healthcare coverage. As a wife, it was an amazing blessing to watch Ivan accept and tackle this next hurdle (in addition to working, finishing school, and taking care of me), but my heart felt a mixture of gratitude and sadness as I also observed his willingness to pursue literally any position to provide for us – even if it meant laying aside his musical goals and not using his new degree. In this context, you can imagine our amazement and joy to watch God provide not only a job in Ivan’s field, but also one that is part of an amazing Christian school…a school that is literally 10 minutes away from my parents’ house! Wow. We truly serve an awesome God!

There’s still a lot to sort out this summer: housing, getting established in the Kaiser Northern California medical system (believe it or not, for practical purposes Kaiser NorCal is not really connected to Kaiser SoCal), and as always, more therapy… but watching the employment burden lifted from Ivan’s shoulders in such a unbelievable way has filled us with new hope and energy to keep trusting God as we seek to navigate these challenges and integrate into our new community. I can’t think of a better way to end our first week in San Jose!

Grace: We’re finally here! That’s so hard to believe! Some amazing friends helped us load up all our earthly possessions Sunday afternoon, my Dad flew in Sunday night, and Monday morning found us on the road. My Dad was “truck master”, with  Ivan piloting our little Yaris, plus myself in said Yaris.  It’s probably best to skip over the gory details of the actual drive up (suffice it to say that traveling is much less than ideal with continuing brain issues), but Monday evening found us safely at my parents’ condo, enjoying a delicious “welcome-to-San-Jose” meal. Yesterday was a great relax-and-recover-from-the-move day (at least for me–Ivan unloaded the truck in the morning and had some meetings in the afternoon), and we’re enjoying starting our first normal day in San Jose on this lovely Wednesday. We cannot thank God and all of you enough for the prayers, support, and the service that made this move possible. It’s truly an act of providence and mercy! On a side note, I had thought it was impossible to move in two weeks, but nevertheless Ivan did that pretty much singlehandedly….. while taking me to therapy, and dealing with all of the unpleasant things surrounding a move, plus the unusual unpleasant things that come with attempting a move with my current condition. I’m so beyond proud of him! And again, praise God, who truly was the One that made all things possible!

Ivan: We’re here! So grateful to God for a safe trip to San Jose. We already miss all our friends from SoCal, but are still grateful for everyone’s continued love, prayers, and support, even from far away! And we’re really excited to meet new friends here in SJ, and to be able to personally thank all of you who have been faithfully praying for us! God is gracious and merciful, and we thank Him for ordering our steps day by day. It is such a comfort to know that all I am responsible for–all we are responsible for–is to follow Him, and He will lead us home. Thank You, Lord Jesus! Soli Deo gloria.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” – Psalm 34:8

As I’ve been meditating on this verse, and how it applies to Grace’s and my situation, I realize that our situation is not unique. I realize that all of us have hurts and burdens, fears and worries, each in our own way. We have all at some point in our lives experienced both little and big challenges…valleys that we must walk through. If I may, please allow me to share some of what has been going through my mind recently.

God is good. “All the time.” And all the time… “God is good.” How true is this statement? Can it really be true? How can God be good all the time? Yes, God is good when we get married; God is good when we graduate; God is good when we get the job; God is good when the vacation goes well; God is good when the newborn baby is healthy and mom is doing well; God is good when the family is all together under one roof; God is good when we win the game, when the performance goes well, when the stars align.

Is God still good when we lose the job? When the labor and delivery nurses look concerned? When drivers run red lights? When the house is constantly filled with raised voices? Or rather when the silence is unbroken?

Is God still good when loved ones suffer? When death comes in all its guises: suddenly, with no warning…inevitably, after an interminable length of time…at random, taking whomever it chooses…or irreversibly extinguishing a lone candle? Is God still good when justice seems nowhere to be seen? When the burden seems too heavy and all strength is gone?

“Taste and see.”

“God is good.” All the time. “And all the time…” God is good.

All the time. How can this be? Because the goodness of God is rooted in His immutable character…He can’t not be good! It’s impossible! As long as God is God–which is forever–He will always, always, always be good!

What cause to rejoice! What reason to get up every morning and thank Him! What hope it gives to just take the next step!

You see, circumstances change. Feelings change. Even people change. One day, a loved one is healthy, the next day they are not. One day he really cares about you, the next day he does not. One day the promotion is guaranteed, the next day it has disappeared. Et cetera, et cetera…time only shows that life is a series of ups and downs! Where does that leave us, if we don’t have an everlasting, unchanging foundation? Where does that leave us, if the only thing we are relying on is our own strength, or the reliability of things which by nature are always shifting, changing?

God alone never changes. He alone remains faithful, day after day, year after year, eon after eon. The Cross of Calvary will forever remain a testament of God’s unconditional love. Who Else would willingly suffer like that for the sake of people who have rejected Him? Who Else would bear our hurts, wounds, and scars, in exchange for life, love, truth, goodness, and beauty?

What an incredibly humbling honor it is to be able to walk with Christ…to rest in His love and grace daily, to depend on Him and trust Him, to be filled with the power and joy of His Spirit?

A few weeks ago we celebrated Easter, when Jesus rose from the dead–He came back to life–defeating sin and death once and for all, and freely offering the gift of life. Not just life here on earth, but eternal, unending, sinless, hurt-less, divine heavenly life! A life of constant, close communion with Him, loving and worshiping Him and experiencing more and more His glory and goodness!

“For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory.” – 2 Corinthians 4:17.

Jesus redeems. He does not shield His children from the hurts of this world, but He has promised to overcome, heal, redeem, reward. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3.

“Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30.

Jesus said that. His invitation is still open. Come to Him, taste and see that He is good.

This is the beginning of an unusual week. Exciting, but still unusual. As Ivan wrote to you all last week, we are beyond grateful that God has provided a way for us to join our families – and new extended church family – up north…especially since our recent “hospital adventure” confirmed that life will probably be safer and easier if I can be physically with or at least close to a family member while Ivan is away at work. Praise God for providing for us step by step!

On the other hand, these two transition weeks (or “packing weeks” if you happen to be Ivan!) have also become processing and grieving weeks for me. I think for the first time since the accident, I have been able to think through what happened  and open my eyes more not only to God’s provision but also to what was lost. Let’s start with the good things: I have both my legs (yes, even that was at risk once), I can walk, I can move my left arm and hand, I can swallow, talk, eat, think, etc. My balance is getting better, and I can even go for short walks outside! My brain can tolerate listening to music again. I can take care of most personal care. It’s not hard to remember a time when I did none of those things. However, I’m still haunted by some things too. Obviously, we don’t really know why this happened at all. I don’t have feeling in my left hand, and as time passes it becomes less likely that I will. This has separated me from a lot that I love – most importantly violin (including 17 years of study and 2 years living in New York at a conservatory), but also cooking, or even many chores and normal “wife things” I used to be proud of. Church, school, and most social activities are off the table for now, and since the average traumatic brain injury (TBI) recovery time is 1-2 years, we’re barely a quarter of the way through that.  Dealing with TBI is a complicated daily struggle that Ivan and I – and my mom when she was here – have gotten better at but are still trying to figure out. Pertinent example: I think this  last week has taught us that moving definitely falls into the category of “what not to do with TBI,” but nevertheless, this is where God is taking us! And I know it will be fantastic when we finally arrive.

So, circling back, my first reaction to the sudden, recent introduction to grief was to try to “fix myself” back to my normal outlook. After all, these moments before Ivan and I dive into our new life should be filled with celebration and anticipation, not sadness, right? But I don’t think anyone can “schedule in” grief to a convenient day or two somewhere, and I’m definitely learning that I can’t just arbitrarily “fix myself.” God knew what He was doing by shielding my mind and heart from sadness before, and He knows what He’s doing by opening up my ability to think and feel more deeply now. Grief is part of life…it says that in the Bible more places than I can count!…and God designed humans with this potential for a reason.  I know we’re not even remotely close to the final paragraph of our story, and my prayer is that He will use this new emotional component to dig deeper into my heart (and Ivan’s too), and keep equipping us for the plan that’s being unveiled inch by inch. Besides, who says that grieving and celebrating are mutually exclusive? Even as my heart mourns for all the parts of my old self that seem gone, and the perennial “why?” of the accident that I wonder if anyone will ever know for sure….just typing the list of “good things” in the last paragraph reminded me of how much I’ve been given back that we had no guarantees for at the beginning of this year. God is good…and I know once we get to San Jose I’ll have more things than I can count to keep adding to my “good things” list. So stay tuned! 🙂

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I last wrote in, but Grace and I have some big news we’d like to share with you…we’ll be moving from Riverside to San Jose at the end of this month! This is a decision we’ve been praying and thinking about for a long time, but we’ve come to the conclusion that we’ll need to be closer to our families as Grace continues to recover. Grace’s parents live in San Jose, and we’ll actually be staying with them for a time until we can find our own apartment. My parents live in Concord, which is also nearby, so it will be a huge blessing to be so much closer to our families!

Thank you as always for continuing to pray for us…we can’t thank you all enough. Please pray for us now as we prepare for our rapidly-approaching move! We know that God has His sovereign hand in all of these matters, and we want to continue to trust in His timing and provision, and to rely on His strength, peace, and wisdom during this time. Thank you all again so much for your love, prayers, and support!

In the words of C.S. Lewis: “Further up and further in!”

Yesterday, we had an insightful visit with my regular neurologist following our unexpected hospital stay earlier this week. But before getting into that, we want to express how much your concern and support blessed both of us after the hospital update! We received so many messages, texts, and comments, reminding us that we still have an army of godly friends and family who are lifting us up in prayer daily…and that means the world to us! I also firmly believe it has made all the difference in the speed and success of my recovery up to this point (friendly reminder – back in February my projected “fully able to walk” month was September!). So thank you all for staying with us and striving on our behalf, even in unexpected twists and turns! Also, special shout-out to my mom who had planned to come back down Monday to move my sister out of CBU, but instead jumped right into the hospital scenario, stayed with us to help stabilize things for a couple of days, and still moved my sister out of her dorm on time – in spite of  being sick on top of everything. Thanks, Mom!

And now onto the crucial neuro details. As you may (but I hope may not) have experienced, neurology is an incredibly overbooked and difficult-to-penetrate specialty. So difficult, in fact, that even with a hospitalization and TIA diagnosis, the best they could do for us was schedule a phone consultation for yesterday morning. Neither Ivan nor I felt like a 5-7 minute phone call was going to be thorough enough to come up with a good treatment plan after my unexpected downturn, so we were struck with a crazy idea. Obviously, my neurologist had reserved time to call us…so what if we just showed up at his office at that time and asked to talk with him in person?? Not likely we would make it past the front desk, but still worth a try.

So that is exactly what we did. In spite of all the odds, skeptical nurses,  and the fact that he was completely booked for the day, our neurologist not only saw us, but gave me a full exam and spent time reviewing my brain and artery scans from Monday and Tuesday. What an answer to prayer – and a nice doctor! Here’s what he came up with:

1) He generally agreed with the TIA diagnosis at the hospital, and upped my blood thinner dosage in order to prevent any future TIA/stroke events.
2) On the other hand, he also mentioned that TIAs and partial-onset seizures share some similar symptoms. I’ve been on a low-dose seizure medication trial for a month because my March EEG came back as somewhat abnormal, and because he suspected that some of my TBI “anxiety episodes” might actually be seizure activity. Given this background, and because I continue to have “episodes” on a fairly regular basis outside of the extreme symptoms on Monday, he decided to increase this medication as well. This will insure he is better addressing my more regular difficulties, even though the Monday episode was still most likely a TIA.

Moving forward, we’ll take another month to see how my body responds to both these medication changes, then meet back again in early July to decide on the most effective treatment plan to stick with. Ivan and I are curious to figure out what that will end up looking like…but in the meantime, we’re very thankful for a kind and thorough doctor, and for a new medication plan that we hope will keep life safer and more normal!

Last weekend was such a high point with Ivan’s graduation…and then came Monday. I know there is a multitude of “Monday jokes” that are made on a regular basis, but it would be an understatement to say that this Monday was, well, not the best. In fact, the gif below is a pretty accurate representation of how we feel right now:

Actually, it started out pretty nicely – Ivan went to work at the high school like normal, I started my therapy/morning routine at home, and we were both still celebrating the glow of a degree well-finished. Until I stood up and completely lost my balance. Thankfully, I caught myself on a book shelf before I hit the floor and was able to make it to the couch to lie down, but I was definitely scared. With a history of 2 strokes, as well as a traumatic brain injury that is still healing, balance – or lack thereof – is something you take very seriously. Up until that morning, I had experienced surprisingly few balance issues and was improving much faster than originally expected. So suddenly losing my balance was a clear warning sign that something could be going wrong. Ivan called me as soon as  he could head home from the school, but when I tried to talk on the phone, it quickly became apparent that I was struggling to get any words out. Thankfully my speech came back after a few minutes, but as time passed, my balance continued to deteriorate. By the time we called Kaiser and they told us to come into the ER, I couldn’t keep myself upright without Ivan supporting most of my weight, and by the time we made it to the hospital, I could barely transfer out of the car seat into a wheelchair.

Since I was experiencing stroke-like symptoms and had already had 2 strokes as well as a complicated medical history, the biggest priority at this point was to ascertain whether I had, in fact, experienced an additional stroke.  With this in mind, the ER doctors whisked us back for a CT scan followed by 3 types of MRI exams, as well as an ultrasound of my carotid arteries (my right carotid artery was dissected during the original accident, so it’s always a source of concern). These tests take a long time to get through, and even longer for doctors to read and deliberate on, so I ended up being admitted to spend the night in the hospital until they could get a clearer picture of what was going on. Poor Ivan – he opted to spend the night in my hospital wing, which meant sleeping in a waiting room chair since the unit wasn’t set up for overnight family visitors.

To make a long story short(er), here is what we know so far: 1) No new strokes showed up on the MRI (thank you, Lord! 2) Although it looked like there might have been a new clot in the carotid artery Monday night, it didn’t show up on the Tuesday morning scan, which is also a praise. 3) The symptoms appeared to be a mini-stroke (also called a TIA), but those don’t show up on MRI readings.

So, to conclude my convoluted Monday story…I’ve been home again since Tuesday afternoon, we’re praising God that there was no additional stroke damage on the MRI, and we’re still in the process of working with our neurologist to decide if there should be any medication changes or other measures to prevent additional TIAs or a real stroke.

God is good, and I’m so thankful for His healing presence every step of the way…but this was a great reminder of how much we still need Him during the twists and turns of the recovery journey…and how you literally never know what a day might bring!