Walking With Grace

It’s March 1! 🙂

Just thought I’d chime in…it’s been a while! We are still continuing with daily therapy for Grace. She is continuing to show incremental signs of improvement, such as slowly regaining sensation in her left hand, her voice becoming stronger, and getting closer to being fully weight-bearing again. Praise God for how He is continuing to help Grace, and us, and continuing to show Himself faithful and powerful!

At the same time, I think it might be wise and necessary to point out the limitations which still exist. Mentally, Grace is doing well–to come out of two strokes and be where she is now, at about three months out, is amazing! Grace can hold a normal conversation, understand what people are saying, and generate her own thoughts and opinions, as we can clearly see from her own blog posts. So the mental processes are in place. However, at this point, Grace can’t talk or interact with people for very long, because that makes her exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed (unable to think, speak). She is also limited in the amount of information her brain can handle. Clinically, she is prone to periods of high levels of anxiety and stress. Triggers for these anxiety/panic attacks include: making decisions, changing plans, processing large amounts of information, and being in open-ended situations/situations without a clear plan or framework.

Grace does not feel this way all the time. There are times when she is her “normal” happy self, and then there are moments of anxiety/worry/stress. She is trying the best she can, she is trusting God and relying on Him…we are all continuing to trust Him. Thank you all for your continued prayers and care! We just wanted to let you all know that, while she is no longer hospitalized and is able to communicate via blog posts, she is still wheel-chair bound, without the full use of her left hand, experiencing nerve pain on the left side of her body, taking pain medication regularly, unable to work or go to school or church, and facing post-TBI (traumatic brain injury) and stroke related anxiety and stress.

The road is long but our Shepherd is faithful! This verse has been going around in my head recently:

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” – Proverbs 17:22.

I pray that God would grant all of us cheerful and joyful hearts…it’s not the healthy that need medicine, but the sick, the broken, the crushed. May God bind up our wounds and restore us by His grace, by His love and mercy. Praise God that as His children, His Spirit dwells in us and renews us each day. He has been and will continue to be worthy of all praise! To Him be the glory forever.

My dad made it down to Riverside to visit for a couple of days…and my heart is so happy to have him with us!

Mom has been down here since January 2nd, living with us and helping take care of me since Ivan works long hours every day.  Honestly, every time I try to imagine what it would be like to be separated from Ivan for weeks at a time, with only short weekend visits….I just can’t. So when I say I’m incredibly thankful for my parents and their sacrificial, generous hearts toward us, that really is an understatement.  A large understatement.

This week’s visit was super fun…my dad arrived in time to experience a full physical therapy session (important since the last time he saw one I was still an inpatient at the hospital), and he also came with us to drop off my violin to be repaired (hence the picture above). The violin trip was special, not just because it was made in the hopes that I will be able to play again in the future,  but also because Hans Benning, the luthier (violin maker) who is working on it for the next couple of weeks, sold us my very first full-sized violin fourteen years ago.

So, it’s been a blessed three days here with my Dad…I’m sad to see him leave again this afternoon, but I’m thankful for his time with us, and for everything he got to experience with us while he was here. Hoping for a safe flight back up to San Jose this afternoon, and a return flight to Riverside in the near future! 🙂

I think by far one of the most common questions Ivan and I get asked is “How is Grace with music? Can she play the violin again??” For now, the short answer is “No, I can’t.” But, as with most short answers, there is a longer story behind it…

If Ivan put this in one of his early Facebook updates, bear with me, but the day I was hit by a car I was actually walking to go play a concert and was carrying my violin. As you can probably imagine,  my violin sustained its own set of injuries, but did survive intact enough that we are hopeful it can be repaired.

When I first woke up in the hospital, even a couple of minutes of listening to music was enough to make me nauseated, and my left hand had no sense of feeling or basic motor skills (for those of you who aren’t musicians, the violin is a left-handed instrument). Given these factors, I was too scared/sad to look at my violin, and my family took it home to save for when I felt well enough to look at it.

Fast forwarding to  this February, I have some motor skills in my left hand, but no sense of feeling. I can now listen to pop music and some classical music if it features piano or cello, but my brain is still too sensitive to the high-pitched violin sound for me to listen for more than a couple of minutes (One doctor explained that I could have subconsciously connected carrying the violin to being in the accident, and that it might take some time for my mind to begin treating the violin as a “safe” object again). Nevertheless, last week I finally felt ready to look at my violin and try to see if I could hold it or play it. Looking at it was actually a very positive experience…the damage was significant, but not nearly as bad as I had thought. I borrowed Ivan’s violin (yes, he does in fact have one too!) for the playing experiment, since mine is still waiting to be repaired. As you can see from the picture above, I was able to lift it into position just fine…but after that I quickly discovered that having a numb left hand prevented me from controlling my fingers enough to actually play (this was sad, since I’ve been playing for eighteen years now).

A few weeks ago, even lifting the instrument into position like I did in the picture would have been much more difficult, so I am thankful for a small victory there! And after that…well, we will keep waiting to see if the nerves in my left hand will wake up or not (this is a wait-and-see from the doctors, since it can be hard to predict which faculties will return after strokes). And even if the feeling in my hand doesn’t come back…you can guess who will experimenting to see if it is possible to learn to play violin using muscle memory alone!

Realizing that laughter is the best medicine, I would like to share a humorous take on my current coping strategy 🙂 I was talking to my Mom yesterday, and she asked me how I managed to avoid getting depressed or bogged down in the “How could this have happened??” type of mindset.. While I wish I had given some super philosophical, well-thought out reply, instead my mind immediately flitted to a scene from the first Pirates of the Caribbean Movie. (Here’s a clip for those of y’all who don’t remember)

Jack Sparrow, everyone: “What a man can do, and what a what a man can’t do.”

What I can’t do:

• Rewind time and undo the accident
• Change the extent of my injuries OR accelerate their healing time
• Look ahead and understand God’s purpose for allowing this to happen

What I  can do:

• Trust that God has a good plan for me
• Educate myself on as much as possible about my current physical conditions
• Be compliant with doctor’s orders and try my best in therapy
• Keep learning self-care so I can hopefully makes things a little easier for my family

So there we have it: trying to focus on what IS possible makes life a whole lot more pleasant than worrying about things that I have zero control over. Do I do this perfectly all the time? Nope, but I think God  put me in this situation to keep getting better at it…..and on top of that He gave all of us great role models like Captain Jack Sparrow. 😉

“No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.”

~John 15:13

Ivan lives this verse out toward me every single day…and I can’t thank God and him enough for his faithfulness, sacrifice, diligence, and joyful, Christ-focused spirit. He is absolutely my happy ever after!

Thursday afternoon was my second orthopedic follow-up after my initial surgeries in December, and I was so excited…SO excited! So far I haven’t been allowed to put any weight on my legs due to the nature and severity of the injuries, but I was sure (for the record, my physical therapist was sure too!)that Thursday I would get the green light to begin putting weight on my legs, and thus begin the long but exciting road to learning how to walk again.  I actually wasn’t even nervous for the appointment because I was so confident I knew how things would turn out….

My PA (physician assistant) pulled up the x rays that we had taken at the beginning of the appointment and showed them to us. He smiled and said “So far it looks like you’re healing well..” (I smiled back and began an internal happy dance in my head)  “…so I think we can give it one more month and then you can begin to put weight on your legs.” (My internal happy dance ended abruptly). I managed a neutral “Oh, OK,” trying not to look super crestfallen.  At this point I couldn’t think of anything else to add, so I was glad when my mom thought to ask what the projected time was for me to learn how to walk. I think we were all looking for a positive spark at this point. Weight bearing to walking couldn’t be that hard, right? “Six months to a year to learn how to walk, and one to two years to be able to walk well.” I don’t know if Mom or Ivan had been doing an internal happy dance at any time during this appointment, but if they were, I’m pretty sure those had ended by this point, too. They asked the PA a few more questions, and then we headed home, pondering what just happened..

I don’t think I’ve completely made peace with that news, and we certainly haven’t figured out what our lives will look like for the next year, but I keep being reminded of my favorite Bible story: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  It’s too long to share here, but the short version is that the king of Babylon threatened to throw them into a fiery furnace because they refused to worship him instead of God. And their response to him is unbelievable:

“If the God we serve exists,then He can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He can rescue us from the power of you, the king. But even if He does not rescue us,we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”

~Daniel 3:17-18

Their response is where I’m at right now. I know that God is totally able to heal me… and I really believe that He will, and that I’ll get better and learn to walk, and walk well, one day. But even if He doesn’t, or it takes longer, or doesn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped… God is still God, and He’s absolutely still good.

Also, God did actually rescue the three men  from the king, just so you’re not worried 🙂

This sign was given to me by a friend during the middle of my hospital days  (I was still not super conscious at that time) . As I became more alert , my eyes kept wandering to the sign, and its message began to impact me much more than I expected. I literally stared at the words  every single day…and most days probably many times a day. There was so much facing me (big things and little things) that I did not feel brave about at all…But the sign helped me realize that I actually  could (through God’s help) choose to be brave, no matter how scared I felt.

The word “Today”  was what struck me most. Super high  pain levels, needles, multiple medical procedures when I was awake, infection, being separated from Ivan at night, and learning a long list of what my body couldn’t do seemed overwhelming…but I realized I could make it through all that for one day.  Two days, or five, or a month…that was way too daunting to even think about being brave for…but God helped me trust Him and hang on for one day. And  after that? I woke up, and prayed, and made it another day. I’m not a brave person (I think my family could tell you that I’m a pretty accomplished worrier!) but God is teaching me to walk with Him one day at a time, and I’m learning that’s all I need to do. As much as I wish He’d go ahead and make me brave for at least the next week, He only gives me courage for today so that I have to keep going back to Him.

That sign helped me get through the initial  hospital days (which I can easily say were the hardest days of my life so far), and it still helps me every day at home as I’m faced with pain (I would have loved to let the hospital keep that one!), endless doctor and therapy appointments, and still needing help for most daily activities. But God is way smarter than I am, and I’m glad He’s taking this experience to help me learn to be brave, one day at a time.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s already been two months. A lot can happen in two months…in a day…in an hour. It’s hard to know where to begin, trying to write about everything that’s happened in the past 62 days. It’s also hard trying to face the mountain of uncertainty ahead of us. But one thing remains constant: God’s sovereignty, grace, and love.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons^, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)

Honestly I can only thank God for where Grace is at now. She has been through SO much but God has been with her every step of the way, and will never leave her nor forsake her. These days I am back at work and school, and Grace’s mom is still staying with us and helping Grace go to therapy at Kaiser Riverside. Grace has a few more weeks before she’ll be cleared to put weight on her legs, which will initiate the next stage of her recovery: relearning how to stand, then walk. This will be a process, not an event…but life is a process, isn’t it? 🙂

Please pray for Grace that God will continue to heal her body and give her peace, joy, and strength. Please pray for our parents and siblings that God will help us all stay focused on Him. Please pray for me that God will help me rely on Him, and that He will give me strength and wisdom to balance care giving, school, and work.

We are so immensely grateful for all your support. Your prayers mean so much to us, and your love and care have encouraged us in times when we really needed encouragement! And your material donations through the GoFundMe have been such a strong testament to God’s provision and care for us. Thank you.

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
    who daily bears our burdens.” (Psalm 68:19)

Last night was my 2 week anniversary of being back at home, so I wanted to share some pictures of my favorite parts of the last two weeks..

One of our first nights having dinner together in our new apartment….it’s been beyond a blessing living in the same place with my husband again :). We realize he hasn’t written you all in a while….right now he is pretty exhausted from taking care of me at home AND returning to his regular jobs, but he’ll be back soon!

This is my beautiful sister…so thankful that she lives and goes to school right across the street from our apartment…I’ve also lost track of how many times she’s done my nails during recovery..

And here’s me and my Mom ! At this point in our journey I can’t be by myself, much less get dressed, get food, take care of our home, or drive at all. Since Ivan’s gone back to work, she’s graciously staying with us until I am able to function more on my own. I’m so thankful for the sacrifice she and Dad are making to help us,  since my Dad can only come visit occasionally on a weekend (they live about 7 hours away). In this picture, she’s taking me home from a therapy appointment.

And now, a little humor for you today…

It is quite a production getting me to and from therapy every time. I actually rolled through the entire Kaiser building like this on Tuesday. It’s only awkward if you make it..And yes, I’m wearing Christmas pajamas.

Back before I was transferred to Casa Colina for three weeks of therapy, a G tube (feeding tube) was placed in my stomach because I was not able to pass swallow tests to be considered safe to eat on my own…By God’s grace, I did pass a swallow test and was approved to eat on my first day in the rehab hospital! (I was dying just for the feeling of food and water in my mouth) For the record, this was four days after the G tube was placed, and I was still recovering from the surgery.

And so the G Tube saga began:

Pretty shortly after I started rehab, I began having significant pain at the stomach site, and my doctors and nurses discovered that the surgeon had implanted a pediatric-sized tube!?   (This seemed ridiculous to me and everyone else since I’m 23)….and once I started  eating real food and gaining back some of the weight I had lost, the small tube began cutting into my belly on the outside. And now the sad part of the story: Stomach tubes must be left in the stomach for 5-6 weeks until it is safe to remove them 😦 😦 😦

So, during the past five weeks I can easily say that most of my recovery pain was due not to my accident injuries but to the G tube….in fact it was so painful that at one point even morphine didn’t work! The site also developed an infection and at least four pressure sores, and Ivan had to be trained on wound care before I could be discharged home. (For the record, he’s my favorite nurse!!)

This week we finished my antibiotics, but the infection was still there, and the pressure sores were getting worse. Today, we realized it was exactly five weeks since the tube had been implanted, and Ivan and my mom started making calls to see if the surgeon could take it out….

Only to be referred into an endlessly circular phone tree, which finally ended with:

‘If you think it’s still infected, you should just take her to the ER.”

“Can they take the tube out?”

“They can, but they probably won’t since she should see her surgeon for that.”

“Well, then find us someone who can take it out today!” (It is the day before the weekend, and we were worried it would keep getting worse.)

At which point they gave me an appointment with my original surgeon….which was all we had wanted in the first place……(as someone who majored in health administration, this was both frustrating and embarrassing to watch, just saying.)

So the short story is, the tube is out, and though the tummy is a little sore, I am in less pain than I’ve been in during the past five weeks. God is very good!

And a huge thank you to Ivan and my  mom, who have cared for me and advocated for me through this experience!