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Stanford sunshine was a winner at our last visit! (3 weeks ago)

“Did you know your Dad mentioned your blog in the sermon on Sunday? It was really emotional.”

I literally almost rolled my eyes, but not for the reason you might suspect. Yes, Anna and I did develop a holy terror of certain disconcerting situations while growing up as pastor’s kids. Number One was being referenced in any way whatsoever from the pulpit, but others included sitting near the front row, occasionally having to wear dresses when other kids our age showed up in jeans, and similar minor travesties. Thankfully we’ve grown out of most of those, including the pulpit thing (I think?).

But this past Thursday I suppressed the eye-roll not out of pastor’s kid’s exasperation, but simply because of where I was, what I was, and who I was. I was sitting across from Mom on an Urgent Care exam table with an IV pumping an extremely strong anti-migraine drug into my arm. I’d morphed from my “normal” neurological mystery into a neurological mystery in the middle of a drug-resistant migraine. At the moment Mom asked her question, the migraine had already lasted four days. Who was I? Well, I’d been in unmanageable pain for four days, and I was extremely out of practice facing pain graciously. Mom was sitting with me so that Ivan (my superhuman Energizer Bunny) could “take a break” from dealing with me for a couple of hours. Yeah. Not blog worthy. Absolutely not sermon worthy.

“Umm…no. What was it about?”

“He was talking about all things working together for good. You wrote this one post years ago where you said you could see God using your accident for His glory, and that you wouldn’t change a thing.”

Honestly, I felt like someone had just slapped me in the face. It’s one thing to survive extreme pain in most parts of your body, but extreme pain behind your left eye takes it to a whole new level. Then add in the pain of light, the pain of sound, the inability to sleep, the nausea. At that moment I wanted to change a whole lot of things about everything. The worst of it was I knew that I was not making life a cakewalk for my family, either.

Just that morning I’d found myself begging God to reconsider whether my situation was working out for that Romans 8:28 best or not: “When is it enough? Isn’t it enough that I’m still in brain therapy? That I’m still stuck at home? That I don’t even have brain power to write anymore? Why this on top of everything else?” And now Mom was sitting across from me reminding me that I’d given public testimony that I was SO confident that all things DO serve God’s ultimately good purposes that I wouldn’t change anything about my accident.

It was almost like God was testing me: “Do you trust Me? Or don’t you?”

I wish this post had a better immediate ending than it does. The migraine ended up lasting 10 days. Urgent Care didn’t work. The ER didn’t work. Heavy duty drugs didn’t work. All the “right” things that you’re supposed to do at home didn’t work. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that my neuroscience team was out of town for part of the migraine, but now that they’re back we’ll have a better plan moving forward. So I’m not planning a migraine encore of that magnitude! (Lord-willing 🙂 )

Writing blog posts is not one of the “right” things I’m supposed to be doing at home to help my brain recover from its latest setback.

BUT I wanted to write this one anyway to remind y’all that Romans 8:28 is not a truism. I listened to Dad’s sermon when I got home from the hospital and am still realizing how easy it is to read something in morning devotions, or listen to it on Sundays….or in my case, blog about it…but how humanly impossible it is to convince yourself that you actually believe it while you’re in incredible pain. If I wrote anything of the kind three years ago it was only by God’s grace, and the past two weeks have been a sobering reminder of the gift that faith is. We talk of peace that passes all understanding, but when you’re in intense pain, faith passes all understanding too.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” ~ Romans 8:28

Yes, He does.

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “Do You Trust Me?

  1. Grace, I cannot imagine a migraine lasting ten days. When I was young my mom used to have them and would be in bed for two or three days but thank the Lord, I do not have to experience headaches, let alone migraines. My heart hurts for you because of all that you go through. I know that scripture extremely well but I’m sure you get discouraged at times. That is normal because we are human. However, I know our Lord knows all your pain and He is holding you up but I pray He can give you a life without pain very soon. You have been through enough. “God, we don’t know Your ways but we do trust you. Please release Grace from the pain she is going through and give her a life free of pain, if that is Your Will for her. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Grace, so sorry to hear that on top of all else you now had to deal with migraine too, and such a monster one or many. I am so glad you wrote, and hope you continue to as you can. It is so understandable why you would question. Unending suffering is one of the things hardest to comprehend in our faith walk. I pray God will give you signs of good, signs of mercy, signs of relief and so many signs you will be able to see Romans 8:28 coming true in tangible ways that bless you. So much love. Candace

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Grace,

    I finally have heard someone say the exact same words, I heard/sensed reverberating in my head, some 30 years ago; “Do you trust Me?”. I can tell you it is a two way street. He requires/wishes us to trust Him. You do. And, if we do, then He can trust us, in whatever task is set before us.
    It has been my life long observation, since confirmed by my character studies of those named in scripture, that most ‘Christians’, lack, because they cannot be trusted by Him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lord! You lift me up when I am weak.
    Grace, I have not met you but am in awe of your wonderful faith. You motivate me.
    Our Lord is holding you!!! and cares for you as the apple of his eye.

    Much love and prayers,
    Uma

    Like

  5. Dear Grace,

    Yes, He absolutely does. Thank you for your transparency as you are willing to tell us how hard it is to believe God’s promises when in so much pain. Yet, you still believe his promises, and this gift of faith that He has given you reverberates out to all of us! Thank you for believing His promise that bringing your requests to him with thanksgiving results in His promised peace…and faith. May you continue to feel His presence as He holds you in the palm of His hand (and may the pain stay away for a while)!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Grace , we have been praying for your relief . I found this passage takes many years to study and absorb . Your dad did a great job of lifting us to an eternal prospective that may be a mystery until we meet our Lord . We know Jesus cried out to his Father in his suffering yet moved forward . Mike and I pray your pain will improve each day and you and Ivan experience the peace that passes all understanding .
    Pam Wass

    Liked by 1 person

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